Robert Finch, Michael Spillner 

May 18, 2003 

Mrs. Springer 

Period 1 

Note:   This play is meant to be ridiculous but delivered deadpan / over the top serious. 

James Scott: Central figure of the play; an average guy who is very self-conscious and lives a mundane life. 

Kevin Chrysmore: Friend of James; a carefree, though at times sarcastic and cynical, man who has been James' friend since they were very young. 

Laura Chrysmore: Wife of Kevin; a kind and caring childhood friend of James and Kevin. 

Doctor/Psychiatrist: A 'typical' looking psychiatrist; one notable feature is his wig. 

Voice: A voice that occasionally speaks to James and the main catalyst in the plot. 

***

Scene One 

(The play begins inside James Scott's apartment. It is a well-kept home, with everything in neat order. James is lying on his bed, asleep.) 

Voice: (Monotone) James. Listen to me James. Today is the last day of the rest of your life, James. Live it. 

James: (He awakens abruptly, panting, and quickly begins throwing on clothes. Before he is fully dressed, he grabs the phone.) 4-2-1, 9-6-7-3. Come on, pick up. Get out of bed and answer the phone! (Someone picks up on the other end.) It's about time, you lazy bum! 

Laura: James, is that you? 

James: Oh, uh...sorry about that, Laura. 

Laura: Well, if you're really sorry, I can forgive you this time. But don't you dare let it happen again (she laughs). Anyway, is there something you need? Is something wrong, James? You sound kind of worried. 

James: Sort of. I really need to talk to Kevin. Is he there? 

Laura: Actually, he's just walking in now. Here, I'll let you talk to him. 

Kevin: How're you doing, James? Laura tells me you sound a little down. (wryly) What's wrong, you hearing voices again? 

James: Yeah, something like that. Anyway, I need you to do me a favor. Could you give me a ride downtown? 

Kevin: Where, to a shrink? Come on, get a hold of yourself. This whole voice thing is all in your head. 

James: Exactly, that's why I need to go to a psychiatrist. 

Kevin: I didn't mean it like that, James. Anyhow, I really don't think you should go to a head doctor. 

James: Why is that? 

Kevin: Two reasons. One, I've never met a person that went to one that didn't leave more messed up than when he went in. Two, these voices don't ever say anything important anyway. You told me they only tell you fortune cookie stuff like, (speaks in a deep, sarcastic voice) "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." 

James: Yeah, well... today was different. Today the voice told me it was the last day of the rest of my life. 

Kevin: And you actually believed that what it said was true? You've got to be kidding me. 

James: Shut up! This is serious, Kevin. Do you realize what this could mean? 

Kevin: No, I realize what it does mean: absolutely nothing. 

James: (angry) Are you going to give me a ride, or should I call someone else? 

Kevin: Well, if you're sure you want to go... fine. I'll be there in five minutes. 

James: Thanks, Kevin. You don't know how much this means to me. 

Kevin: No problem. See ya in a bit. 

***

Scene Two 

(In the psychiatrist's office. James is sitting on a chair in front of the doctor, who is speaking to him.) 

Doctor: And you woke this morning and heard voices, correct? 

James: Yes, doctor. 

Doctor: Has this happened before? 

James: Yes, many times. But it was different this time. 

Doctor: Oh, really. How was it different? 

James: Well, it usually tells me that the day is to be the first day of the rest of my life. Today, though, it said would be the last day. 

Doctor: Very unusual, Mr. Scott. I truly have no way of knowing what this could mean. It is possible that this is simply a mystery of science or nature. What we psychiatrists call a "paranormal occurrence." 

James: So, that's it? That's all you can tell me? 

Doctor: I am afraid so, Mr. Scott. 

James: Well, then I guess I'll be leaving. Thank you for your time. 

Doctor: (as James steps out of the room) Any time, Mr. Scott. Come back whenever you need some good advice. 

James: (mutters to himself) Good advice! Good advice, he says! He can take his good advice and shove it right up his— 

Kevin: So, how'd it go? Did he find out what was wrong with you, or did he give up trying? 

James: He told me it was 'unusual'. He called it a... "paranormal occurrence." Paranormal! The only thing paranormal in that room was the rug on his head that's supposed to look like hair. 

Kevin: I tried to tell you, Jimbo. Those shrinks are more messed up than their patients. 

James: Yeah, I guess you're right. 

Kevin: Of course I'm right. When am I wrong? Tell you what. How about you, me, and Laura go out for lunch and spend the day out on the town. 

James: I don't know, Kev. After this morning, I don't know if I can handle any more excitement. And, what if it is true? What if today is my last day? 

Kevin: It's not true, James. I swear on my parents' grave, the Bible, and my dog, may he rest in peace, that today will not be your last day. In fact, I guarantee you that voice this morning wasn't real. It was nothing but your imagination. 

James: You can't make that guarantee, Kevin. And even if you could, I probably wouldn't go. I just don't feel like it. 

Kevin: Oh, come on. Live a little! No wonder you keep hearing strange voices. Spending half your life at work and the rest locked up in that musty old apartment. 

James: Work! I forgot to call in today. How could I have been so stupid… 

Kevin: No one will think twice about it, Jimbo. 

James: Why's that? 

Kevin: Because, "Today is the last day of the rest of your life," remember? (he moves toward the elevator) 

James: (scene begins to dim) Shut up. Oh, and what was that about my apartment being musty? I'll have you know that... 

***

Scene Three 

(The setting is inside of a car. There is nothing particularly special about the car, other than the fact that Kevin and James are in it.) 

James: (a little tipsy, almost drunk) Home! I haven't even begun to party, Kevin. Don't take me home yet. I've got so much left to do. 

Kevin: I think you've done quite enough for one day. (stops the car outside James' apartment building) You think you can make it up alright? 

James: Now just wait a minute! You were the one who told me to live a little, now let me. 

Kevin: When I told you to live a little, I didn't mean all in one night! 

James: What's that supposed to mean? It's not like you've never pulled a small, little prank before. 

Kevin: Well, for your information, I don't consider almost getting thrown out of the most expensive restaurant in town a small prank! And I don't think the manager did either. That waitress you kept bothering was his daughter. 

James: Oh... come on, I didn't hurt anyone. And besides, I bet you can't think of one more thing to complain about. 

Kevin: Oh no? How about when you tried on that $700 dress at Macy's and decided to raid the women's fitting room while Laura and I had our backs turned? Just try and explain that to the cashiers. Not to mention anyone else who might have the misfortune of being able to recognize your face. And what about the theater? Don't try and pretend it wasn't you. 

James: They were just little jokes. 

Kevin: Little! What do you mean little? You could get arrested and sued for almost everything for any one of them. Imagine being tried for all three! 

James: It doesn't matter, Kevin. Today was my last day to live anyway. 

Kevin: You stupid fool! I can't believe you still think that voice was real. 

James: I'm telling you it was real! Why is it so hard to believe that something like that could happen. It's because it happened to me, isn't it? Because it happened to me and not to you! 

Kevin: God, please help this poor fool. Alright, I'll tell you. As long as you promise to shut up, I'll explain everything. 

James: Explain what? What do you mean? 

Kevin: To be honest, the whole thing was a prank. I never meant for it to go this far, but I guess I should have known. Pop the cork on someone as pressurized as you, and there’ll be little bits everywhere. 

James: (stammering) But... but... how? I heard the voice in my sleep and got up almost right away. 

Kevin: I used the intercom from downstairs and then rushed home. I knew the speaker was right by your bed and hoped you would hear it—you did. (he chuckles) I was just walking in the door as the phone rang. Pretty good, huh? 

James: (gets out of the car) Some friend you are! I can't believe that you would do something like this. You let me completely embarrass myself in front of hundreds of people. 

Kevin: There's no real harm done though, right? 

James: I can't believe you! No real harm done? Tomorrow I'll probably be the laughingstock of the city. Don't bother talking to me again. (Kevin sits, silent) 

 ***

Scene Four 

(Back in James’ apartment. It is messy this time and shows the signs of a long, hard night. James is lying in bed, silent and still, as if dead.) 

(A knock on the door can be heard. James does not stir. Several more knocks are heard, and then Kevin enters.) 

Kevin: (walks towards James' bedroom) Hey, you awake? (hears the TV or radio and thinks it's James) I just came to give you something you left in the car and— (stops as he sees the mess laying on the floor and everything else out of place) 

(Aside) What a mess! Man, he must have really taken yesterday hard. 

(normal speech) Anyway, I just came to give you back your wallet. I found it in the car last night, but I figured you could use some time alone. I'm really sorry about that prank I pulled. I guess I went a little too far, huh? Aren't you going to answer me, James? Jimbo, come on. I'm sorry, I swear. (enters James’ bedroom and sees him lying there) Hey, wake up. (nudges him) Wake up. Come on, I've got to talk to you. Wake up! (shakes James by the shoulders) Please! You've got to wake up. You can't have died on me. Get up! 

James: (no matter how much Kevin talks, hits him, etc., he doesn't move) 

Kevin: (looks upon James and falls to his knees, sobbing) Oh my God! I never meant for it to go this far. I only meant for it to be a small joke. I just wanted you to learn to live a little. Jimbo. I'm so sorry. (He puts his head on the foot of the bed and sobs into the blanket, repeating that he is sorry.) I'm so sorry for everything. (James slowly sits up in bed, without letting Kevin notice) For Mrs. Cuthbert's rings, your mom's China and silverware, everything James. I'm so sorry. 

James: I agree. You really are sorry. One of the sorriest people I've ever met. 

Kevin: (his face is pale and filled with shock) You’re dead! How... l mean... who... What exactly is going on? 

James: You think you're the only one who can pull a prank? Think again. 

Kevin: You mean this is supposed to be some kind of a joke? You planned the whole thing? 

James: Pretty swift there, Sherlock. I wouldn't have expected any less out of you. 

Kevin: So, we're even then, right? 

James: Not quite. What was that you said about Mrs. Cutbert's rings?